Ok. I love to write. It's like breathing except that it requires the use of ones fingers. Reading is my second nature... Sort of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde except that most of the time I don't think I have MPD or DID though I might have DIDD. I hate dirty feet on furniture and nails on chalkboard. I've been watching cop dramas since I was six. I'm not allergic to anything, and I've already read several thousand stories on here. My favorite color is green and I feel alive when it rains. I have bright blue eyes that can be totally creepy when I don't blink for a half hour (its been done). I love Monk, Psych, NCIS, Supernatural, Covert Affairs, Criminal Minds, Kim Possible, Ghost Whisperer, Sherlock, Young Justice, Suits, etc... I love reading and I love it when people read what I write. I'm secretly an assassin but my license to kill was revoked on the Kazakhstan border. Several others may or may not be involved. Don't ask. I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you, and my license has been revoked. Had to do with some guy named Yosemite.
If you are a Supernatural fan, imagine a female version of Sam and Dean. That's me and Claire. Seriously. The first time I watched the show I was like WTF! Unbelievable! And then I got a letter from Stanford and things got weirder...
If you are a Psych fan, then you understand my addiction. Pineapples ARE DELICIOUS!
What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
Jumped out of a tree holding on to a vine swinging down and yelling like Tarzan, followed by eating berries even though I knew were poisonous because they were just so freakin' delicious.
What is the worst injury you have ever had?
I almost cut off my own thumb playing with my knife collection, and I almost passed out because of blood loss before I could stop it. It was even worse than the time the swing set fell on my head when I was little or the time I choked on some linguini with no one around and had to reach down my own throat and pull it out before I passed out or the time I was bitten by a poisonous spider and almost died, or the time... Nevermind, you get it. (Yes, I collect knives. Haters, go right on ahead hating. I love shiny objects. I also love throwing said shiny objects. I almost poked out my eye when I first learned to juggle screwdrivers.)
What are the best pranks you've ever played?
Went camping and filled my friends pillows, blankets, and shoes with silly string. Silly stringed golf carts that passed on the road. Started a shaving cream war. Hacked a few facebook profiles. Hacked into Claire's computer and made copies of all of her AIM conversations and gave said copies to a very select audience. Reprogrammed a few alarm clocks. Consistently stole Claire's left shoes and hid them or replaced them with a double of the right. Buried my friend's shoes in the sand at the beach. Convinced telemarketers they had salmonella poisoning... over the phone. Texted random numbers with the message 'Baby, I'm pregnant.' Called random numbers asking for Jo. Took a wrong number and pretended to be the right person- for three days. Put a ticking clock in a box and set it on an elevator floor, knelt next to it, whenever people came in: 'Don't worry, I'm trained. There's an eighty-five percent chance I can disarm it in time..." Hugged random elderly ladies and shouted 'Grandma!' Pretended to know someone and waited until they were caught up in pretending they remembered me and trying to remember me then said 'Oops, wrong person.' Pretended to have an imaginary friend/ pet. Put food dye in mi amiga's coffee, Cut off Claire's hair. etc...
What is your favorite smell?
Men's cologne and vanilla.
How do you drink your coffee?
Half and Half: Half coffee, half vanilla creamer and sugar.
What foods do you like?
All foods except crab and lobster.
What is your favorite dessert?
Fried cheesecake.
What is your favorite desert?
The Mojave.
Most embarrassing moment?
I accidentally blew up part of a stage in the middle of my own dance recital. You could still see me blushing through the smoke.
Why are you making up random questions for yourself?
Ummm...
Why are you addressing yourself in second person?
Ummmm...
If you are a NCIS fan, you know what I always carry with me.
Complete the quote:
"There are many things you can do with a hammer, for one..."
"You want peace of mind, I'll give you a piece of mind..."
"My mother..."
"She would have been beautiful if she weren't so hideous."
"I like your tongue."
"By sticking my tongue out at you I am hopefully purveying a deep seated psychological hatred for psychobabble."
"Your face reminds me of my car."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
"Killing people is my least favorite thing to do... not counting..."
"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
"You smell nice, like..."
If you are a Young Justice fan, you know why I jumped when a red head with green eyes walked into my chemistry class and my teacher said, "Hi, Wally."
Batman-Robin (on lack of hugging father-son stuff.)
Short bit of dialogue
Batman: Uh... (rubs neck apologetically) No offense, Son, I do love you, but I prefer to love you from a distance.
Robin: I'm totally cool with the long-distance love.
Batman: (blows Robin a kiss)
Robin: Nevermind! Totally NOT feeling the Aster. (storms off)
Batman: (to Alfred) What did I do?
Alfred: It doesn't matter, Master Wayne, just... don't. And if you try blowing kisses at me to express your affection, I'm retiring. (leaves)
Batman stands there, puzzled. To himself: The family councilor said I should express my feelings!
Now I'm supposed to write something inspirational, I think... UPDATE! (Does that count?)
If you are a Ghost Whisperer fan, you know you should always go into the light.
Best Quotes Ever:
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f*king way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the h#ll can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that sh!t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh sh*t, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you @$$hole!"
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control!
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?
Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.
I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Love your enemies.. it pisses them off.
The human race is lucky I'm a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.
A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
A committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I'm not sure what's wrong... But it's probably your fault!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
People are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.
The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).
What you do on your own time's just fine. My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know.
Everyone says I'm a blonde at heart. But my hearts not blonde.
Deep down I'm a very shallow person.
Patrick: I'm mad. Spongebob: Why's that? Patrick: I can't see my forehead.
If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.
Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!
I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
If worms had guns, birds wouldn't mess with them.
I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.
Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.
My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn't take me far enough into the woods. Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone's list.
We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.
We American's, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.
I fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.
If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails.
Assassins Inc. We aim to please.
I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.
Limiting the freedom of news 'just a little bit' is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.
It saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus, who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn't even interested in New Worlds but only in spices. Out on a spin in search of curry powder and hot peppers- a man on a voyage to the grocery- he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the credit for it. And then to name it 'America' after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew incredibly inaccurate maps of it. By rights, it should be called Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier. The United States of Erica, Erica the Beautiful, The Erican League.
Get plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You'll miss it when it's gone.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much. You're not that good.
Dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.
:P Don't stick that out unless you're going to use it...
Intelligent doesn't have to mean educated. And Creative doesn't have to mean talented.
No one ever listens to Zathras, Quite mad they say, It is good that Zathras does not mind, Has even grown to like it, oh yes." -- Zathras, Babylon 5
"Zathras is used to being beast of burdon for others. A sad life, and probably a sad death, but at least there is symmetry." -Zathras
Bullsh!t: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.
Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).
The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it
Friends help you move furniture. Best friends help you move the skeletons from the closet.
Nostradamus predicted you'd be a loser.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
High on life- and glue!
By the time you read this you've already read it.
Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Major, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Mat Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22.
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather." - Arab News report
"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. President
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons
"If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it." - Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company
"This Is The Gate Of Heaven, Enter Ye All By This Door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.) - Sign on church door
"We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)" - Sign on door of repair shop
I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible. - Ted Turner, Media Mogul
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder…it would be an apocalypse!
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
I bet you get bullied a lot.
I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.
I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before
I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
She's the first in her family born without tail.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?
You are not even beneath my contempt
You are not obnoxious like so many other people, you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
You have an inferiority complex and it is fully justified
You should do some soul-searching. You might just find one.
You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet.
I try to stay open minded... but not to open minded or my brain falls out.
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.”Ashleigh Brilliant
“It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.” Paul Newman
“It's a catastrophic success.”Stephen Bishop
“I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.” Stephen Bishop
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”Abba
“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.” Groucho Marx
“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.” Groucho Marx
“A man is as young as the woman he feels.”Groucho Marx
“A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.” Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!” Groucho Marx
“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” Groucho Marx
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” Groucho Marx
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.” Groucho Marx
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” Oscar Wilde
“I am not young enough to know everything.” Oscar Wilde
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.”Oscar Wilde
“He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.” Victor Borge
“I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” Mark Twain
“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.” Mark Twain
“Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.”Mark Twain
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain
“I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.” Mark Twain
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarrence Darrow
“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?” Charles Pierce
“You have delighted us long enough.” Jane Austen
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” Winston Churchill
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” Ernest Hemingway
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” Abraham Lincoln
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” Irvin S Cobb
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” Forrest Tucker
“He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” Billy Wilder
“The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.” Dave Barry
“It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.” Caron de Beaumarchais
“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”Ambrose Bierce
“Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” Ambrose Biercs
“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.”Samuel Butler
“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?” Jean Cocteau
“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.” J Paul Getty
“When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” Eric Hoffer
“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.” Kin Hubbard
“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.”Montaigne
“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.”Ogden Nash
“I wish we were better strangers.”
“I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.”
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.” Woody Allen
“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” Woody Allen
“I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.” Ludwig Wittgenstein
“Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions.” Frank Lloyd Wright
“We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.” Vince Lombardi
“A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.” Gore Vidal
